[BOOK I] THUNDERCLOUD RAINSTORM [ENG] — PART 9

The hook that suddenly flew in was heavy. My finger, which had been subconsciously tapping the table regularly, also stopped at that moment.

Il-jo, who had his eyes lowered, slowly raised his head and was surprised to see my expression. what did i do I just stared at him with my chin clenched. I didn't do anything other than that. 

“….” 

“….” 

While I didn't say anything, Il-jo started showing his nervousness all over his body. He lowered his eyes and avoided my gaze, then coughed in vain, and finally pulled out a piece of tissue from the table and started rubbing it.

He folded it in half, then in half again, and put the tissue together until he couldn't fold it any more. Maybe he thought I'd react. 

“… are you mad?" In the end, it was Il-jo that spoke first. As if those words were a signal, I relaxed my pose that look like a frozen statue before and stroked my chin. 

"Well…why should I be angry?” 

“No, I’m glad if you're not… But why are you glaring at me?” 

“If I'm not smile,then I'm mad? My face normally look like this.” 

Il-jo listened carefully. He was looking at my face again, confused as to whether it was real or not. Being conscious of my gaze, he covered his lips with the hand that had been resting on his chin for no reason. I found out that a girlfriend I met in college told me that the lips with sharp curves for a man stand out quite a bit. I didn't know this would work for men too.

Anyway, the reason I have a habit of smiling with my eyes is because of the impression that if I don't smile, I'm will be easily misunderstood.

I might have looked angry because I felt like I didn't need to put on an external smile in front of 

“What you just said is true. If you don't know, ask your parents. When I have nothing to do in my social life, I usually have this face.” 

“… … .” 

“And I’m not mad. I'm not get mad about that."

Truthfully, it's true that I was a little pissed off, but it was because I instantly felt 'the guy is going ahead of me'. a subtle feeling as if the sequence is upside down. I had forgotten that this guy was surprisingly capable of self-objectification. If a guy who treated me like a complete fool gives the same opinion as me, I don't want to admit that we're on the same level, so I instinctively want to oppose it. 

And at this time, a human whose reason does not work is an idiot. In fact, if you have a brain, you should be able to accept the truths as right before you demean the speaker. If this long sentence is shortened, it becomes 'I don't get angry when I say the right thing.' And at this moment, I admitted only from my heart. The fact that I was holding a childish act to Il-jo a while ago. 

In fact, contrary to what I told Il-jo, yesterday's date didn't go well. Maybe this morning, I could have woken up in bed with her in the same blanket as her, but the reason the plan failed... because I can't get it up. In an awkward atmosphere, Instead of taking her home by my car, I seeing her off by taxi instead. And I thought as we parted. To continue this mood again, it will take more energy than I have put in so far. And if I get exhausted before I put that much energy into it, the relationship will probably just cool off without progress. 

Like this, last night, my confidence took a hit and I was in a state of exhaustion. Therefore, I try to make excuses for not being able to do anything about being crooked to Il-jo. 

There is nothing wrong with the guy who cleaned the house and work hard. It's not his fault that my date was ruined. But acknowledging this inside out on your own is a different matter. 

“Why do you look like that? Because everything you said is right.” 

“….” 

“I’m not really mad.” 

But Il-jo didn't seem to believe me. What if you don't believe it? I already say so. I didn't feel the need to ask for his consent, so I lightly brushed off the previous topic. It would be foolish to respond emotionally to his words.

Besides, it was fortunate that he was aware of the non-funny situation that the person he fell in love with was a cousin with a bad personality. 

I watched Il-jo quietly. You have to let your emotions go. If you're not aware of it, it's my job to help you get it done quickly. I got up, pushing the chair, and pulled out two bottles of beer from the refrigerator. 

When I handed the cold bottle so that it touched the back of his hand, Il-jo took the beer bottle in surprise. 

“Tha, thank you.” 

“But I’ve been thinking about it for a while, aren’t you surprisingly objective?” 

"Yes?" 

“When uncle was at the hospital, you were sometimes beaten by Jung-in or Jung-soo. I asked why... Just looking at you, you have a tendency to scratch people a bit. I get annoyed when someone who doesn't want to hear the right words from the original person. Because it’s me, I accept it. Most men get angry when they hear that.” 

“… .” 

“So, don’t do that in front of those bastards. Pretend to be an idiot whenever possible.”

"Yes… .” Iljo stiffly bowed his head. It was a shame that I knew. 

“Anyway, I’m glad you know that liking me is a bad thing. But you know that it is also for your own good.” 

"That's right. self-sufficient... .” 

“Can I help you? Make up your mind quickly.” 

I didn't even think of picking up his bottle until mine was half empty. "what are you doing. You should drink it before it gets lukewarm. Shall I get some cheese too? I had leftovers from what I ate yesterday.” When I returned to the table after rummaging through the refrigerator, Il-jo was struggling to open the bottle with trembling hands. But every time I cleaned it in vain, the lid turned around. “What are you doing now?” I've never seen a man with the concept of not being able to open a beer bottle properly due to his weak wrist. If there is, it would be a blast. Why is Lee Il-jo suddenly acting weak in front of me? To appeal to something? I got goosebumps and stole his bottle. It was when the lid was easily opened and handed over.

 "What the… .” 

Il-jo was crying. 

Trying to put up with the shaking of the back and shoulders. The eyelashes looked down from above were wet and droopy. When I want to touch him with my finger,  he shivered and avoided it. It was a gesture of self-esteem.

I was at lost and laugh. Knowing that I was laughing, he clapped at my hand. I felt like I was a man in his 40s who was squealing at a younger woman because I kept doing it, so I suddenly felt bad and stopped touching him. 

I sat across from him and asked. “If you're going to be like this, what's the point of holding it up anyway?” 

Even if he knows how to objectify himself and understand his situation, it seems that his feelings are different from that. 

“Am I crazy? you… do you think I'm not holding up?” 

“Why are you getting so aggressive suddenly?"

 “I don’t like to eat this. You ate this with that girl yesterday. Don't give me the leftovers." Il-jo  said in a muffled voice mixed with weeping.

 Even though he said it quite firmly, he didn't seem resolute at all because of the hand he carefully shoved to avoid the cheese falling. Il-jo missing the gallbladder... He's the one who gets permission before turning the table over. 

I chuckled out of curiosity and brought out a few more bottled beers. Because there was an appetizer in front of me that was more interesting than a few pieces of dried cheese. Il-jo was sobbing and crying as he glanced at me laying out the drinks on the table. It was obvious why he didn't get up from the table. 

Even now, you still want to be with me. 

I'm sorry for him to liking me. I have nothing to say to anyone who dares to kiss a sleeping person. When Il-jo who had always had this attitude, expressed his feelings for the first time and poured out his resentment, I felt a desire to be generous with him. 

Even if you change your mind like turning your palms over again tomorrow, that's the way it was for this moment. Ah, my love affair is on the verge of ruin, but at least I feel like I've done something. 

It was a love affair that started from the beginning to dissuade Il-jo's heart towards me.

So, is the minimum goal achieved? 

“This drink is expensive. I was originally going to pick it up yesterday, but I giving it to you. It’s not like I’m eating this with her and giving out the leftovers to you.” In the end, I also took out a drink I hadn't picked up yesterday from the wine cellar. 

When I offered a drink, Il-jo, who usually refused because he didn't know the taste of alcohol, snorted and drank all the wine I gave him. With a rather sad expression. 

“That's it, drink and get  it. Lost interest in me.”

“It’s not up to you.” 

“You're not good at dating right? It's like when you have a tea. You can't serve your favorite tea just like this. You should never give a tea that drips with regrets. You have to hide your emotions and win. Love is a trick.”*

*he talk about the push and pull. 

"I know." 

“If know, why still like this?” 

“I can't control that!”

It seems that the tide has already been taken. I took a deep breath and said, 'Stop liking me.'

 When you say, 'That's not okay.' He said the same thing over and over like a parrot. It is said that the mind does not follow reason. There was another guy who said the same thing as Seungjae. 

Kicking my tongue, I poured more alcohol into Il-jo's glass. My heart, which had felt a sense of crisis for a while, found stability again. 

It's childish, I felt like I won. It is because I reaffirmed the fact that I am the best both emotionally and materially in my relationship with Il-jo. 

Thanks to this, my heart has become more generous and I have more room to win. But I need to calm my mind a bit. “Hey, this is an expensive glass. It's thirty thousand won each glass. When you wake up, I will put you in debt, so drink carefully understand?"

 “Three hundred thousand won… .” 

“For reference, I woke up three times. The glass was so thin that it broke every time I washed the dishes. Oh, but you know you have to eat all of this and wash the dishes, right?”

“Then why don’t you drink this… .” 

“Where is that? This is a cup that no one takes out. Even the person who came yesterday couldn’t drink here.” 

"okay? Then let's drink... But how much debt do I have?” 

“Look, I made a note of it. It was about three million won.” Il-jo was shocked by my words and muttered that he should find a part-time job again soon. This time, instead of bruising, I gave real advice from the heart. “Can’t you find a decent job other than a part-time job? Even if you take your time it's okay” 

“I don’t have a high school diploma. So it’s hard to find a job.” 

oh, i just found out about this. 

“You didn’t just go to college, didn’t you?” 

"Yes. Dad passed away before I graduated from high school.” 

I groped for the vague past. As he said, the first time my uncle fell down was around early fall before the entrance exam. I, too, went to visit the hospital for the first time after entering college under that excuse. 

“But at that time, you couldn’t even go to school?"

At first, my uncle was conscious and was able to move to some extent. Il-jo nodded slightly at the question of whether there was no need to abandon the school and take care of him. "That's right. But that was the first time I met other family members... .” 

I said a little 'ah.' murmured. It was the first time that the existence of the illegitimate child Il-jo was known to our family. I remember that the adults in the house were in the midst of a lot of noise, saying, "I must admit that he exists, I must leave him in Seoul." 

Of course, no one was willing to take responsibility for Il-jo.. He came to Seoul like that, but he did not finish his studies on time and was neglected. 

“Your life seriously sucks.” Il-jo nodded his head as if in agreement with my words.

 Because his head is a field of flowers, he must have lost his youth by raising uncle's arms, but he also seemed to be aware of his position.

And Il-jo, who had exceeded his alcohol intake early that day, was so drunk that he fell on the table and said, 'Daddy... .' ' he muttered and snorted again. I've never seen a grown man so affectionately towards my uncle. Instead of Il-jo, Seungjae, Kyung-eon, and cousins were inserted into the scene, and the more I tried to substitute them, the less they looked like them, and the more I got goosebumps. 

Is this what it's like to experience the death of a close family member? I am like this now, but it will be different when my parents die. 

“Hey, wake up, don't sleep here. Go to your room. ” 

“Ummm… .” 

Even if I shook his shoulder or lightly slapped him on the cheek, he still didn't wake up. I secretly expected that the drunken guy would call my name in a dreary nightmare and say something like a confession, but that didn't happen. too bad. I tried to record it and play with it. 

I contemplated for a moment whether or not to move the guy who fell asleep on the table to the room. However, I choose to left him like that, because I thought that I might be misled by unnecessary expectations for that trivial consideration. 

As I was going to the bathroom to wash, Il-jo still lying his face down on the table. His back, which had been trembling while crying before, now breathing quietly. 

T/N : I don't know if there's anybody who also like this novel as much as I do, if there's anyone who read this, please leave comments below. Thank you! you can also comment anonymously too tho 💕